The Emotions left Unsaid.
The winds are shouting to my soul right now, and, my stupid childish heart is playing with them as if trying to get the angry winds silent and calm.
I am shouting at the moon, slyly getting my face out of this bus which makes me immensely happy imagining him. I am overwhelmed by this silence. There are old songs playing nearby and I am just jumping here, oh my god I want to dance! But, can I?
This blue light in the bus I am travelling in right now, is making everything around me very poetic, but I just want to be in it, not necessarily make a poem out of it.
How strange is it that we have always been taught of accepting things, moving forward, seeing the bright side of everything! All of us say that focus on the twinkling stars or the bright moon rather than the night when there is no moon or stars to be seen. Make the sunrise your inspiration, as it is the symbol of hope.
But what about the moments when I believe in the darkness more than those twinkling stars? Or about those days where I don’t find the sunrise calming. I want to talk about those times; those times when I am all miserable and not me, when the insides of me burn and are afraid to get burnt. I live in a fear of not being ideal and perfect, the state when I am not all happy and giddy, the state where I fear about the darkness.
Oh, don’t tell me the theories of how light welcomes you after the dark. I have heard them by both the people I love and strangers.
What about the confusions and restlessness of not being heard? What about the pain of fear and what about my stories with unhappy endings?
I don’t want you to understand those unhappy endings or the cliffhangers my life create! I can understand them better than any of you. But please don’t tell me that things will get better. Don’t make me learn how to suppress those confusions, fear and frustrations. I want to be in the dark!
I want to understand it.
Be rational about it.
Throw tantrums and get it out.
That smoke does not vaporize like it is supposed to; it stays in you. I don’t want to get sick because of these vapors of my emotions.
Allow me to be miserable, allow me to be irrational!
Listen to my stupid stories and soundless sobs.
Allow me to be not okay.
Allow me to stay with my dark shadow.
I want to be a child. I want to call him when he is taking a shower and tell him how beautiful the moon is and how it reminds me of him. I want to listen to the suicide note she wrote to herself 2 years back and be proud of how she overcame the devil in her.
I want to paint and dance! I want to stay silent and listen. I want to cut my hair short and surprise everyone with the new look. I want to shout at her and tell her to stop ruining herself.
There is so much inside me, I have no clue or control on it. There is so much to feel, so much to think, so much to do.
What should I do? How will I? Why do I? I want to feel it all, yet remain calm.
There is so much to it that I… I…. I…
urghh, do you understand? Manasvi, I understand.
Enjoy the wind.
Love, Present moment.
-Manasvi Shah